For months I anticipated the end of the semester when I could take a break from school and have the freedom to do with my time as I pleased. As April came, I was overwhelmed by final projects, exam preparations, and buying my first home but I knew the end was near. Soon I would be able to rest.
Then, I began to feel sick. Every day I would feel a bit of nausea and fatigue. I contributed it to stress and tried to ignore it. In the back of my mind I thought, "Could I be pregnant? No, no I don't think so."
Once the bleeding started I knew something was wrong. I tried waiting it out, just in case, but going into the second week I knew I shouldn't wait any longer. Something just didn't feel right. I made an appointment with my doctor and he got me right in.
Then it happened. The nurse came in and told me I was pregnant.
I didn't know whether to smile and laugh or to cry. I wasn't sure how to feel. I didn't want to become too attached to the idea of having a baby. I knew there was a major possibility this pregnancy wouldn't last.
Once you hear those words; once you see it in writing and see the hormone levels indicating how far along you are...there is really no coming back from that. The attachment starts there. I tried so hard to keep my distance. It didn't work.
The next four weeks were long and drawn out. I spent almost every day in the hospital for a few hours to get my blood drawn to check my pregnancy hormone levels. At first they went down, but then they doubled. I felt like I had this pregnancy taken away from me and then given right back. I allowed myself to hope.
Eventually we found out that I had a tubal pregnancy. It was one of the worst pieces of news I have ever received. I prayed that if God needed this child more than I did, that he would take it. That I wouldn't have to decide when to end it. I prayed for a miscarriage. As crazy as that sounds, I did. I wanted his will to be done but I didn't want to be a part of it. The longer I waited, the more dangerous the pregnancy was for me. I hated it. All of it.
There is a verse in Isaiah that says, "When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you."
I remember feeling like I was fighting against the current just to live through the day. That each day, the waters were getting higher and higher. I was up to my chin with my own tears and all of the physical and emotional pain. I was exhausted but I had also encountered a strange sense of peace. I knew I would get through it, I just had to keep moving. I just had to keep praying.
It's been almost 10 weeks since I found out I was pregnant and some days are still difficult but I am keeping busy. My husband and I closed on our first house and have been moving in and decorating for a month now. That has helped a lot.
I'm starting to feel like myself again. I think the change of the season is helping as well.
With Love,
Jess
(I have hopes to start posting recipes again soon!)
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